What's up you crazy people, welcome to the Show that’s Proudly Irrelevant: Office Hours with the Brofessor. “Wow, bro!” you’re probably saying. “You’ve metamorphized into a Polish street thug!”, to which I would say: no tak, jestem dresiarzem. I’ve been teaching English in Warsaw for the last nine months, and the same time have been learning the fun and fascinating Polish language! The other day, to celebrate completing my A1-level Polish classes, I went out and bought the traditional costume of this great country: a red-and-white Adidas tracksuit. Since then I’ve taken up squatting on street corners in front and muttering Polish swear words to myself with really long trilled “R” sounds:
You may be familiar with guys like this around the Post-Soviet world; in Russia they’re called gopniks, but in Poland they’re called dresiarze, or “tracksuiters”, stereotypically with the name “Seba”, short for Sebastian. A real gangster name if I ever heard one:
This Seba has the face of the current (unpopular) Polish president, Andrzej *Sebastian* Duda.
They're called dresiarze because the Polish word for tracksuit is dres:
Being as
I am a connoisseur of low-level delinquency, I’ve decided to go native.
Moving
on, today we're going to talk about an ongoing era in Christian history, one
really without precedent in ancient or modern times: we are currently living
under no less than four validly enthroned popes, half of whom are named Theodore
the Second.
Most people in the Anglophone world are aware that, since
the enthronement of Francis in 2013, there have been two men living who hold
the title of "Pope" in the Roman Catholic Church: Francis and
Benedict. What many English speakers don't know is that the Roman Catholic
Church is not the only Christian denomination headed by a pope. Typically, when
people say, "the pope", they are referring to the Bishop of Rome, who
may also be referred to, especially within Eastern Christianity, as the
"Patriarch of the West". However, the Western Patriarchate in Rome is
only one of five jurisdictions that, historically, were referred to as the
"pentarchy", the others being Constantinople, Antioch, Alexandria,
and Jerusalem:
While the pontiffs of Constantinople, Antioch, and
Jerusalem have traditionally been content simply with the title
"Patriarch", the heads of the Alexandrian church have traditionally
been referred to as "Pope", the same title used by their counterparts
in Rome. Unlike the Patriarchate of the West, however, the eastern
patriarchates each have multiple claimants to the title, depending on the
denomination: some Roman Catholic, some Eastern Orthodox, and others Oriental
Orthodox—and while the latter two may sound similar, they are completely
different traditions within Christianity! The patriarchate of Alexandria, for
example, has no less than four claimants from various denominations. While the
Roman Catholic Patriarch of Alexandria avoids the title "pope" for
obvious reasons, the Eastern and Oriental Orthodox claimants both use the title
"Pope and Patriarch of Alexandria and All Africa"—and, in an amazing
coincidence, both of them happen to be named "Theodore". And not only
are they both Theodore, both of them, let me say again by utter coincidence,
happen to be Theodore the Second.
I think that's too amazing not to make a video about.
Four popes, instead of the usual three—and half of them are Ted the Second.
It's also a good introduction to the differences between three ancient
Christian denominations: Roman Catholicism, Eastern Orthodoxy, and Oriental
Orthodoxy.
Benny
and Frank
As
most of us know, there are currently two living Roman Catholic popes: Benedict
XVI—henceforth Benny—and Francis—henceforth Frank. Technically, Benny resigned
his seat and is subordinate to the "pope proper", but he retains the
title of "Pope Emeritus", as well as the tokens of the papacy, such
as a white cassock:
The
Roman Catholic Church is well-known, and perhaps even notorious among non-Romans,
for claiming a monopoly over the term "Catholic", to the point where
"Catholic" has indeed become synonymous with "Roman" in
popular parlance. Likewise, they have managed a linguistic monopoly over the
term "Pope", such that the term evokes Rome exclusively, as opposed
to both Rome and Alexandria. Most English speakers, if you ask them to define
the word "catholic", will say something along the lines of "the
pope and nuns and stuff". Of course, this is accurate only insofar as the
term is used in popular everyday speech. The Greek adjective
"catholic" simply means "all-encompassing" or
"universal". The Roman Church's use of the term signifies their claim
that if you do not accept their Pope's claim to exclusive unilateral authority
over all Christendom, you have placed yourself outside the single, universal
Church founded by Christ.
It is
not surprising that many other Christians take a dim view to these claims,
which were not present in the early church and have increased in grandiosity
over Christian history. For instance, the Roman Catholic church has only
claimed temporal authority over the East for the last millennium. Meanwhile,
the famous dogma of Papal Infallibility, wherein a Pope supposedly cannot be
wrong when speaking in an official capacity on faith and morals, has only been
on the books since 1870.
It is
true that, for the first millennium of Christian history, the Roman Pope was
the first among equals of his brother bishops, including within the Pentarchy;
that is not and never has been controversial. Even I as an Episcopalian see him
that way. Only for the latter part of the Christian era has he claimed absolute
dictatorial authority over every aspect of the Church, beating out not only the
rest of the Pentarchy combined, but even the Ecumenical Councils, which were anciently
seen as the ultimate doctrinal authority in the Church. Although the Roman Pope
was first among equals, in terms of temporal authority he was simply one of
five Patriarchs, who could be outvoted by the others and was subject to the
decisions of the ecumenical councils—not the other way around. In modern Roman
Catholicism, by contrast, the Pope's temporal authority is entirely unbound by
any earthly check or balance. Even the Eastern (Roman) Catholic churches, which
resemble their Orthodox cousins in liturgy and belong firmly within the Eastern
Christian tradition, are autocephalous only as far as Papa Frank allows them to
be. The innovations of Roman Catholicism—or, more bluntly, the Papist Heresies—would
place the entirety of Christendom in subjection to the will of one bishop. If
you have a problem with that, you've placed yourself outside the single
Universal, or Catholic, Church.
Fortunately for the rest of us, you know, that’s just, like, their opinion, man:
Rome might have co-opted the term “Catholic”, but the word itself is arguably equally applicable to Eastern Christianity, Anglicanism, and even some Lutherans. Each of these traditions bears witness to a single church founded by Christ, guided infallibly by the Holy Spirit, universal in scope, and recognizable in the charism of Apostolic Succession—a Church One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic:
There may be dispute in areas peripheral to the faith, often influenced by the norms of time, place, and language, but the core of the faith is accepted and adhered to by all believers. Examples of these core areas include, but are certainly not limited to, the Biblical canon (and Deuterocanon), the seven sacraments, the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist, the Apostolic priesthood, and the Niceno-Constantinopolitan Creed. For this reason, I often explain the Anglican tradition to friends as “Catholic, but not Roman Catholic”.
Catholicism
vs. Orthodoxy
Just
as much as Rome has strong-armed a monopoly on the term “Catholic”, so has
Eastern Christendom strong-armed a monopoly on the term “Orthodox”, which
literally means “correct worship”. Of course, Romans consider themselves to be
the only true Orthodox Church, just as their Eastern brethren consider
themselves to the only true Catholic Church. In the middle are Eastern (Roman)
Catholics, who as I say share a liturgical and theological tradition with other
Eastern Christians but accept the temporal authority of the Roman Pontiff. Confused
yet? Just you wait. That’s only the tip of the iceberg.
The State Church of the Roman Empire, which survived the Fall of Rome itself, effectively came to an end in 1054, when Roman envoys walked into the Hagia Sophia mid-liturgy, slapped a notice of excommunication down on the altar, and walked out. Constantinopolitan excommunication of Rome followed, and since then the so-called Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox churches have been in schism. “But Bro,” I hear you asking. “Why did Rome and Constantinople excommunicate each other?” Several reasons, among them a Roman refusal to acknowledge Constantinople as its equal in temporal power, the rising Holy Roman Empire in the West, and the Byzantine emperors’ insistence that they had the right to vet and approve candidates for the Roman papacy. Doctrinally, perhaps the most salient issue was the Filioque controversy, stemming from a textual discrepancy between Latin and Greek. While the Latin text of the Niceno-Constantinopolitan Creed reads that the Holy Spirit “proceeds from the Father and the Son” [Latin: ex Patre Filioque procedit], the Greek text gives the Holy Spirit as proceeding only “from the Father”:
This inconsistency proved too much for the sensibilities of eleventh-century theologians, leading to a division between Christendom’s two largest communions that persists to this day. The 1054 East-West schism came almost exactly six centuries after another schism between the Roman State Church and another Orthodox communion, known confusingly in English as Oriental Orthodoxy:
I don’t know what genius thought it was a good idea to take two strains of Orthodox Christendom, entirely independent of one another but already easily confused, and refer to them by the maddeningly synonymous monikers Eastern Orthodoxy and Oriental Orthodoxy, but there we are. Some examples of Eastern Orthodoxy include the Greek, Russian, and Georgian Orthodox Churches; examples of Oriental Orthodoxy include the Armenian, Alexandrian, and Ethiopian Orthodox churches. In 451, at the Council of Chalcedon, the Oriental Orthodox Churches split with the State Church of the Roman Empire over the doctrines of Dyophysitism vs. Miaphysitism. The State Church resolved upon Dyophysitism, which holds that Jesus Christ has two essential natures, one human and one divine, united in one Person. The decision was not unanimous; some bishops held to Miaphysitism, or the doctrine that Christ has but one nature, that being simultaneously both human and divine:
The Miaphysite bishops split from the State Church,
forming the Oriental Orthodox communion. It is due to this schism that
Alexandria has two popes, both of whom happen at the moment, by utter
coincidence, to be named Theodore II.
Ted and Ted’s Excellent Papacies
Alexandria is the historical center of Coptic
Christianity, Coptic being etymologically related to the name Egypt,
and ultimately finding its origin in the K-M-T trigraph used by the
Ancient Egyptians to refer to themselves in words like “Kemet” or “Kumat”,
literally “black land”. Founded by Saint Mark, Coptic Christianity is in my
opinion a strong contender for the most badass Christian tradition: the
indigenous Christian tradition of Roman Egypt, predating by centuries the Arab
Muslim invasion. As a result, Coptic Christians hold their liturgies in the
ancient Egyptian language, Arabic being as it is a relative newcomer in Egypt. Today,
the only places in the world where you will hear the language of the Pharaohs
spoken is in Coptic churches, and to this day the month names in their liturgical
calendar refer to such badassery as “The Birth of Ra” and “The Festival of
Amenhotep”. This may seem strange for Christians to retain such names, but
remember that the Western calendar still refers to the old gods and festivals
of pagan Europe.
The vast majority of Coptic Christians are Oriental
Orthodox, meaning they are Pre-Chalcedonian Miaphysites, and have been since
the fifth century, although there is a small community of Coptic (Roman)
Catholics loyal to Benny & Frank. Both the Coptic Orthodox and Coptic
Catholic churches hold their respective patriarch to be the sole legitimate
heir to the throne of Saint Mark, although candidly I must say that I think the
Miaphysites have the stronger claim. The Coptic Catholic Church has only been
in the game since the 18th century, whereas the Coptic Orthodox
patriarch represents an unbroken line going back to St. Mark himself. Traditionally,
the Patriarch of Alexandria has held the formal title of “Pope and Patriarch of
Alexandria and All Africa”, although as I said earlier, the Roman Catholic
patriarch unsurprisingly eschews the title of “Pope”. The current Coptic
Orthodox Pope is Tawadros II, which may be Greco-Anglicized to Theodore II:
Look
at that turban!
Hats off--or, turbans off, I guess--to Coptic Christians, by the way, for enduring almost
fourteen hundred years of dhimmi persecution under the Arab and Turkish Muslim
rulers of Egypt. The most well-known expression of this persecution in recent
years was the beheading of 21 Coptic Martyrs by ISIS in 2015. Turbans off also for
keeping the Egyptian language alive in the face of that persecution. Regarding
Egypt, many people forget that not only does it have an indigenous non-Arabic language,
still in (limited) use, but most importantly that it was for centuries a mostly
Christian nation. Although I doubt it will be so again during my lifetime, one
can dream! Just as we dream of Christendom finally retaking Constantinople, and
finishing the Liturgy in the Hagia Sophia—and, in fairness, just as my Muslim
friends dream of turning Saint Peter’s Basilica into a mosque:
So that’s one Ted 2, but what about the other one? The
third claimant to the title of Alexandrian Patriarch, and the second claimant
to that of “Pope and Patriarch of Alexandria and All Africa”, is the Greek
Orthodox Patriarch of Alexandria, amazingly also named Theodore II:
As the Greek Orthodox Patriarch, this Ted 2 is a Dyophysite, holding to the doctrine of dual human-divine natures of Christ. On this he disagrees with the other (Coptic) Ted 2, and agrees with the Coptic Catholic Patriarch; however, unlike his Coptic Catholic counterpart, he rejects the Filioque doctrine, maintaining that the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father alone, as opposed to the Father and the Son:
Like the Coptic Ted 2, the Greek Ted
2 rejects Papa Frank’s temporal authority over his brother Bishops, while
respecting the Roman Pontiff as spiritually preeminent among equals—an
interesting fact about Orthodox Christianity that is glossed over on many occasions
of Catholic-Orthodox mudslinging. In the fifth century, as today, Coptic
Christians were overwhelmingly Miaphysite, and became part of the Oriental
Orthodox communion. As a result, there is really no Coptic Eastern Orthodox
tradition, and the Greek Ted 2 celebrates the liturgy according to the norms of
Greek Orthodoxy, in the Greek language. Although they don’t speak Egyptian,
they do share with their Coptic brethren the Eastern Christian superpower of
STANDING THROUGH A THREE-HOUR LITURGY every week. Incredible.
Interestingly, there’s also a Greek Catholic Patriarch in
Antioch who claims Alexandria along with Jerusalem. I think the only people who
recognize those claims are his parents, given that there’s already a Coptic
Catholic Patriarch, and the Catholic Patriarchate of Jerusalem is held by a guy
named—I kid you not—Pierbattista Pizzaballa. I don’t think I’ve ever
heard a more cartoonishly stereotypical Italian name in my life:
But getting back to my main point, I hope this discussion
of the various reigning popes has introduced you in an entertaining way to a
few of the main doctrinal and denominational currents within apostolic
Christianity, and illustrated the sheer pettiness and absurdity of our
denominational squabbling. And now, like me, you can revel in the knowledge
that we live in truly unprecedented times, when, for the first time in history,
there have been not one, not two, but four legitimately enthroned popes. As if
that weren’t singular enough, half of them are not only named Theodore, but Theodore
the Second. Fun times.
**EDIT: YES, I KNOW THAT EAST SLAVIC LANGUAGES CALL ALL PRIESTS "POPE". STOP EMAILING ME. KURRRRRWA**
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