The Okayest Kung Pao Chicken in Town

           I would be perfectly content to eat this dish every day for the rest of my life. In fact, on any given day it’s probably coin-toss odds that I’m going to have this for dinner.

Ingredients:

Cooking Oil:
As needed, no more than a couple tbsp.

Various Cocaine-Like Powders:
1+ tbsp flour
1 tsp sugar

Liquids:
4 tbsp soy sauce
3 tbsp dark rice vinegar
3 tbsp huangjiu (sake works in a pinch)

Spices and Nuts:
1+ handful peanuts
5-10 dried red chili peppers, broken up. I like to leave one whole.
1 tbsp whole Sichuan peppercorns

Veggies:
½ onion (or: a leek)
1 bunch green onions (optional when a leek is used above)
1 large bell pepper
2-4 cloves garlic
1+ tbsp fresh ginger

Meat:
2 cocktits (i.e., chicken breasts)
1 chicken bouillon cube OR 1 tbsp chicken goop

Preparation:

1. Put powders together in a cup. Set aside.
2. Put liquids together in a cup. Set aside.
3. Put nuts and spices together in a cup. Set aside.
4. Chop up the green onions, put in their own bowl. Set aside.
5. Chop up the other veggies, put together in another bowl. Set aside.
6. CUBE the chicken. Most Western Chinese restaurants don’t do this, but rather slice the chicken. We’re making Palace Exploding Chicken Cubes, not palace exploding chicken slices.
7. If you want, sprinkle some salt on the chicken.

Now is a good time to wash your knife and cutting board, so you have less dishes later. It’s also a good time to put your rice on. I recommend using a rice cooker.

Cooking:

1. Get your stove nice and hot, like HOT hot. Heat should be high throughout. Pour on a little oil and add the chicken. Sizzling should be immediate and loud. Stir the chicken around.
2. Pour off any liquid that forms in the wok/pan. If you’re doing it right, with a big enough wok, there shouldn’t be much. If there is, it’s ok, just pour it off.
3. Once the chicken is white all around, add the chicken cube or goop. Stir it around, let it mix into the chicken.
4. Chicken should be browned and crispy, but tender inside. When it would be safe to eat, take it off, put it in a bowl, and set aside.
5. Put a little more oil in the wok, and put on the peanuts and vegetables. Stir them around for about a minute, get them crisp and toasted but not burned. You should be coughing and sneezing here. When done, put them on top of the chicken.
6. Put the veggies (except for the green onions) on the hot wok. Lately I haven’t been putting any more oil in at this point. Stir them around for a couple minutes until they become slightly charred, but haven’t lost their crisp texture.
7. Put the chicken, with the nuts and spices, back on the wok. Add half of the green onions. Stir it around, mix everything together, pour off any liquid, but again if you’ve done things right there shouldn’t be (much).
8. Add the powders. Lately I’ve been quickly stirring everything around with the powder to get an even distribution.
9. Pour on the liquids. Stir around quickly, get a caramelized, sticky texture, not too thin or liquidy but at the same time having mixed in all of the powder.
10. Take it off before things start burning. Serve and garnish with the remaining green onions. Rice should be ready at about the same time you finish the chicken.